Fear to acknowledge

Knowing how to respond in an appropriate way to someone when you find out they have cancer or any other disease, is not uncommon. In this situation sometimes the best thing to say is “ I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.’
Often people who are diagnosed with this sort of illness may find they are not seeing as many of their friends or family as they used to.
It doesn’t mean they don’t care, but just feel like they don’t know what to do or say.
Fear is another reason why there are notable absences, as some people don’t wish to be confronted with a clear sign of our mortality or vulnerability.

Core feelings

The fact that the time now available is somewhat taken up with appointments or feeling unwell makes the absence of friends more noticable. The core feeling for everyone is to feel they are important to someone, that they are loved and cared about and that this is shown most profoundly during illness.

As the right language for discussing significant illness is not used on an everyday basis, it is normal to feel inadequate or awkward.

Prepare yourself

Before visiting someone with cancer, prepare yourself by learning something about the disease they have been diagnosed with.
This allows time for you to have processed your own thoughts and feelings. You are less likely to fall apart and you can actually find something positive to talk about. There may be some very positive outcomes or treatments that you can become familiar with before you visit. This immediately takes the fearfulness out of the diagnosis.

They might not want to talk about it

What would you like someone to say to you in that situation? This question immediately takes you back to basics: we are all really the same. Most of us would like to hear the same thing.
‘Is it something you want to talk about? We don’t have to, but if you do want to talk…..’
This opens the discussion but allows for the fact that it might be something they do not want to talk about. The elephant in the room has been named.
Someone with cancer is still the same person they were before, so talk about what you would have talked about before.

‘How is it all going?’
This question allows them to open up to you about their feelings, or talk about their journey. Anyone who is suffering or struggling with a crisis in their life needs to debrief. Realise that you may not be the person they want to do that with, but you have offered it and this is appreciated. It shows you care with one simple question.

Despite the simplicity of these questions it is really common for people to be tongue-tied and awkward.

Offering help

An offer of help with the ordinary demands of life is so appreciated when people are unwell. If a busy mother and housewife is now dealing with breast cancer and chemotherapy, her life didn’t suddenly go away so she could just focus on herself. It’s all still going on, but her capacity to run that life is diminished.
If a man has been diagnosed with prostate or bowel cancer for example, it may be that he and his wife are now trying to cope with less income, or juggling illness in what was already a busy life.

Make an offer of help, but be sensitive to the individual. Ring first, check that your offer is actually welcomed.
Some practical suggestions:

• donate a gift voucher from a local restaurant or cafe
• offer to take children out on the weekend
• do the school run
• bring a meal over in a disposable container
• dedicate a couple of hours to doing the washing and folding
• vacuum the house and clean the bathroom
• do the shopping
• bring gifts of muffins, a dozen eggs, a cake
• mow the lawns
• do the gardening
• water the garden

While you may not know what to say, your actions say it all. Any of these offers of help are saying profoundly that you care.

Talk about the future

Talk about something to look forward to, an activity or a holiday. Find things to laugh about and focus on the positives of life.
Cancer does not have to be all consuming, draining all joy from life. It is an illness, it is being dealt with appropriately.
While there are a range of outcomes, there are still many hours and days ahead that can be filled with happy times.
And during the worst of symptoms when the struggle is hard, a simple offer of your presence, to hold their hand is all that is needed. At this time, nothing more needs to be said.

Erica Fotineas
March 2017