Looking for purpose

This is a message for all the wonderful grandparents out there who have entered retirement. Life is marked by the significant phases we pass through, but the final chapter of life can leave some older people feeling like their purpose has diminished. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Grandparents and Step-grandparents

My son has not so long ago lost his last grandparent, something you don’t really think about when having children at a later age. Despite not being able to contribute very much in the last few years due to the restrictions of old age and illness, my mother has still left a palpable emptiness in his life. She would have been surprised by this, because one of the things she often said was ‘why am I still here, I have nothing to give…’ This was always contradicted but she still had trouble seeing it. He also talks about his paternal grandmother who he lost when he was only six, and he talks about his grandfathers, one of which he never met, and one who died when he was one. While his knowledge of them is all from stories, they are still very important to him. Children get so much from their grandparents.

Memories
Their presence is that of foundations, memories and history. Grandparents have memories and knowledge to share which can’t be found in books or anywhere else. There is no Google search for a special piece of wisdom from one who has lived a long life. There is nothing like the feeling of nostalgia walking into your own Grandmother’s house, even though everything seems much smaller than it used to. I once walked into an old house for sale in Erindale and was immediately overwhelmed with memories of Grandma because it smelt like her house, a faint scent of lavender and violets.

The special love of a Grandparent
The love we receive from grandparents is different from our parents, especially if you were lucky enough to have a grandparent who loved sharing their passion, whatever it was. The most valuable contributions were not Christmas or birthday presents, they were their presence and significance in our lives.
I remember going to my friend’s grandparent’s house on the way home from school for a lemonade and a biscuit. There was no better lemonade in my memory, it was special because this lovely lady gave it to us, with a hug for her granddaughter. They called her Marmee and her grandpa was called Doo (from ‘Little Women’).
When we were little we used to stay at Grandma’s house in the school holidays. She used to bring us a tray in the morning with cereal and hot milk and a cup of tea in a real china cup and saucer with roses on it, of course. We never got that at home in the morning! My sister and I also stayed there when we got the mumps so our little brothers wouldn’t get it. Grandma was so loving and caring, you never forget that kindness in your life. It makes you a kinder person yourself.

Grandparents are teachers
With so much experience of life, grandparents have the best answers to most problems. If it’s not a problem you have, then you will learn how to cook, crotchet, knit, grow vegetables, prune roses and fruit trees, build a bird box, make compost, or the best way to iron a shirt. They are teachers of life, one of the most valuable set of skills and insights you will ever get. They will also tell you about how they overcame unimaginable hurdles and got through the hard times of loss and often poverty.
Yesterday one of my older sons sent me an email written by Mum ten years ago to him. It was full of loving and sensible advice, praise for his efforts, understanding of his journey. Every word was still relevant and so very much valued.
This is a reminder to every special grandparent that your value can not be measured, your place and contribution in this world is vital, and when you are gone, you will be missed more than you can ever imagine.

Erica Fotineas
August 2018