Third Stage of Grief: Bargaining

Bargaining: a reconnection with hope.

Desperation is felt when all attempts of denial and anger have not amounted to any sense of relief from the terrible pain of loss or bad news. It becomes a catalyst to change the situation by using a focussed, intense searching for a different path, a more bearable one. It is marked by doing something definite, underlined with a bargaining train of thought:
‘If I do this, it will be ok.’
‘If I pray with all my heart, and get everyone I know praying with all their heart, it will be ok, I know it will.’ (and absolutely, sometimes it really is)
Bargaining and the action which is taken, is a reconnection with that most powerful of human emotions….the life-line of hope.

Bargaining is a cooling down stage

Now calming down from the hot angry response to one of feeling strongly motivated to act; whether it be to engage in all kinds of alternative treatments, no matter how strange or unproven; or to spend large amounts of money on ideas and products which someone said was amazing.
It may be to re-connect with one’s faith in a bargaining with God, or even to turn to God for the first time: an introduction to a power far greater than our own who may have the capacity to repair, rebuild, heal and bring relief. And truly it is not to say that any of this is wrong or futile. These attempts are very real aspects of the grieving process. They don’t need to be rationalized, how can anyone say that these thoughts and actions have no consequence? They are helpful, part of the evolving through and coming to terms with what has happened.
On-lookers may feel inclined to have opinions that these actions are futile, but they are not suffering the shock and fear which provokes bargaining.

I remember studying furiously all the qualities of various herbs and kefir, CO Enzyme Q10, specific vitamins, writing it all down, ordering things on line, growing fresh kefir, all in a focussed and determined effort to change the impact of illness on someone dear to me. I thought he might die, and I couldn’t bear it. I was bargaining, acting with hope, driven by love. I really don’t know if any of it made a difference, but his illness was overcome in time, and he is now well. It could have been other treatments he received, it could have been anything, but I know that he felt loved. And it gave me a sense that I was helping, I was offering hope.

Diagnosis, a cataclysmic force

In the bargaining phase, hearing a diagnosis of what we know potentially is a terminal disease, can throw routines and life as we know it upside down. Diet, life-style, stopping unhealthy habits, exercising, alternative therapies, yoga, prayer, meditation…. all while engaging in conventional therapies like chemotherapy or radiotherapy. It can be a full-time job.
Outcomes vary but include miraculous recovery. Truly people do recover from cancer. I remember feeling very down one day at work; we had been caring for a number of end-stage cancer patients. The Director of the ED at the time, Dr David Phillips said it’s really not as bad as you think, you think it’s bad because you only see the end-stage or when they are ill. In fact 70% of people completely recover from cancer. That gave me a lift at the time and I have never forgotten it.

Miracles

The word miracle by definition means: amazing, unusual, extraordinary, manifesting divine intervention in human affairs. I’m talking about this in the bargaining stage of grief because I believe that the effort instigated in this phase may be what makes miracles possible. Not every situation has this choice or this outcome, but when a path of hope is ignited it simply cannot be extinguished, not until it has come to a conclusion, happy or otherwise.

Denial and Bargaining together

In some situations, when denial and bargaining work hand in hand, it is very difficult to maintain reason or even common sense. I knew someone who remained resolutely in denial of her husband’s illness, refusing to listen when he was trying to prepare her for the inevitable. Bargaining, she worked tirelessly in her efforts to promote his recovery, brushing him off crossly if he talked about dying. He said that he didn’t know what else to say to help her see where he was at and worried about how she would cope when he did pass away. The severity of the symptoms didn’t help her see. The cancer was so extensive that every mouthful came back up. He had tried every chemotherapy available, even trials of new drugs, and he had already lived six months longer than he had been given….
So she was totally unprepared and hit with profound shock, anger and grief when we found him. She sobbed and said over and over: ‘NO! No, not yet, he wasn’t supposed to go yet!’ I thought she was going to collapse, but suddenly the anger kicked in, and it gave her the strength she needed at that moment to cope. Anger held her up with far greater strength than I had to hold her upright, and it kept her going through the terrible pain of loss until she was able to finally process it in her own way.

Compassion and support

For anyone who is in the bargaining stage of grief interspersed with denial and anger, the best thing anyone can do is listen with compassion, be aware and have no judgement. Even when someone is engaging in choices which may seem futile. If it’s unbearable, it is unbearable. There has to be a way forward each day, and every individual will do what they have to, to survive it. The reassurance is that nothing is constant or permanent in this life, and just like my friend who lost her husband, survival happens, and happiness comes again, even laughter.