Stage 2 of Grief: Anger
In the painful suffering of great loss, denial eventually cannot be maintained as the truth of a situation is just too substantial to avoid any longer. The sharp reality is still so difficult to manage however, that we fall into an emotion which questions, blames and looks away from ourselves to find reason. At the same time, it pulls us out of the floating inertia of denial, provoking a re-engagement with life. It is anger.
‘It’s not fair!’
‘I don’t want this, it’s not right, it’s not meant to be!’
‘It’s their fault!’
‘Why did God let this happen?’
We each have an idea and a plan in our minds about our lives, those we love, what we are planning to do, what we are looking forward to. Anger associated with grief is when the event preceding it tells you that your expectations were an illusion. Life is changed, beyond our control and not how we imagined. It doesn’t matter that it is normal to have these expectations and they are healthy thoughts. Grief shatters them.
Anger and Blame
Anger is like an arrow shot from a randomly directed bow; the arrow hits at God, loved ones who didn’t do what was expected, people in control or appear to be in control of the events: Doctors, nurses, and anyone who can be held partially responsible or aportioned some blame.
Blame is what people do when they have not accepted a situation and need to take some action to right the wrong, even if the efforts are futile. It is some action rather than standing helpless staring at what happened. It helps relieve the blow, much like denial does.
Understanding anger, realising it is a process
Responding to anger with anger is like adding butane to the fire. We may be the target of an arrow, but becoming defensive is not helpful, even though this is not always easy to do. If you are the one feeling angry, you are engaging in a search to understand and comprehend.
At times the anger will pass, only to reappear when triggered by a word, a memory or a train of thought. It isn’t just a stage with a beginning and an end, like so many things that involve the human psyche and spirit.
Some will bury the anger allowing it to fester beneath a smiling happy facade, a combination of denial and anger and a need to pretend that nothing has changed. Some are just working so hard to promote an image of being ok because they can’t bear other people knowing a pain which is so deep and intimate. People are essentially private and when anger bursts out uncontrollably, it can be very distressing for them if it happens in a public setting, even if that setting is a family gathering.
How can we help?
Active listening, sensitive awareness and patience. Allowing for unfair comments at times, not engaging in the angry tirade, being quietly supportive. Realising that sometimes you are not a saint and may not handle someone’s anger very well.
An angry grieving person does not want to hear well-meaning advice.
When sharing your own joy, success or freedom, be sensitive. Anger may be directed towards others for being happy, for having fun, for enjoying what this life has to offer. Resentment, envy, jealousy, even self-pity can all sneak into the grief-stricken experience.
Has God failed you?
You have lost something precious, of course you feel extreme sadness. Anger comes when your expectations have not been met, you feel that you have been failed, either by people, God or the universe.
It is particularly hard for devoted and prayerful people who have great faith in God. If death has arrived anyway, there may be a sense of being abandoned by that which forms the very foundation of their lives. It is a test of their belief and faith. Some think that people who hold strong to their faith are better off than those who don’t have any. In reality, they are not only coping with their loss, they are also often struggling with a shock to their very core: that their prayers were not answered as they had hoped.
Talking to someone who understands is crucial at this time, especially someone who recognises this additional and unseen loss.
There are people of faith of course who are very supported by their beliefs, who have an understanding of this not being the only life, that there is something genuine, powerful and joyful beyond this earthly life.
Moving forward from anger
Physical movement helps manage the raw combustible elements of anger. Walking, exercising, cleaning the house, gardening……if any of these are possible.
Meditation and prayer offer deep peace and acceptance.
Talking to someone who is trusted, who understands and offers genuine compassion. Don’t assume that others know why you are angry; a lot of people just don’t know what to say or how to handle that kind of confrontation.
Write it down. Getting it out is cathartic and helps with acceptance. It is also something which can be done alone: providence for the intensely private. Burn it afterwards, the effect has been achieved.
Unrelenting anger, what is abnormal?
If the anger is unrelenting and insurmountable, professional help is available. It is not normal for anger to continue unchecked and abusive, or for outbursts bordering on violence or even proceeding to acts of violence towards others. This is anger which must be treated seriously and recognised as an abnormal phenonemon. No-one should be subjected to this, no matter the initial provocation, even grief.
Please look at the list of counselling services available at the end of the first stage of grief blog (Denial), if you or someone you know needs help dealing with their anger following loss.
Lifeline is available 24 hours a day, they can also direct you to other services: 131 114
Next week we will be exploring the third distinguishable stage of grief: ‘Bargaining.’
If anyone has any questions or thoughts they would like to share, this is a place where we hope you will feel comfortable doing this. We really appreciate those of you who have already shared something of your own experience or just ‘liked’ our blog …..this is how it can become a greater source of comfort and support for everyone.
Right here is the perfect blog for anyone who wants to understand this topic.
You understand a whole lot its almost tough to argue with
you (not that I actually would want to…HaHa). You definitely put
a brand new spin on a topic that’s been written about for
ages. Excellent stuff, just wonderful!
Thank you Alexis,
The difference with Erica’s writing is that it comes from a Registered Nurse who cares for the dying and can relate to their families. A wealth of experience and wisdom. Thank you for your kind words.